Before I continue writing, forgive me for the title of this post that may sounds like it understates the meaning of marriage. NO! It is not an understatement. I respect and uphold the values of marriage and family.
The title of this post is my simple conclusion, for me to be more realistic, sufficiently knowledgeable, to decide consciously and understand the consequences, when entering marriage life and that marriage is not that "vague" and "scary". We worry about things we don't know, right? Its because we don't know what to face and the risks. Therefore, by understanding marriage more realistically, I hope that I will enter marriage life more relax and confidently that this is a new chapter in my life that I will live with the man I love, a new exciting chapter we both live together. If life is a journey, we both choose to travel it together.
Then, why is my conclusion that simple? Here we go. Sit and relax. Have your coffee. Read this carefully!
When it comes to a relationship, where two adults who are established and who have DONE with the past, we found each other and love each other, I want to be with my man forever and as the responsibility of both parties as two adults who make decisions consciously, I want this to manifest in a marriage.
I have been looking for a reasonable, non-dramatized, non-exaggerated explanation of marriage. I learned from my failed relationships that the cause of the failure is that one party feels ready to continue the relationship while the other party is afraid to vow or commit themselves or give up some of their freedom for one word called COMMITMENT. I found that the words _commitment_ and _marriage_ were quite scary for some people, that's including me. Then the relationship go without clarity and without goals. Yes, there is love there, there is longing, but where will we go next....
Marriage is a word that carries many meanings and feelings. Its like a tall and sturdy gate, that we can only peek through a narrow hole and be curious about what is really going on behind that locked gate. The gate that limits something behind it to be seen that is there said to be beautiful but we don't really know it. We feel like wanting to go inside but fear of what we might see and have in there. We must have the courage to open the gate to truly know and not be tormented by our curiosity. Otherwise it remains seem mysterious, vague and scary. The key to open that gate is knowledge, preparations and realistic expectations.
Hollywood and Disney present stories about happily ever after and are reinforced by couples walking by the flowers garden, lying down on the bed of roses, always smiling, happy. Meanwhile, social media displays photos of couples sharing love, cheerful laughter, and super ideal families. This image of the perfection of a relationship is built up in our subconscious, so that we are very careful and afraid to make mistakes which sometimes even make us inhuman. There's often societal pressure and personal expectations tied to marriage. The fear of not meeting these unrealistic expectations of the relationship failing can be daunting. Cultural or societal expectations about marriage can create pressure, leading to apprehension about making the 'right' decision.
I am a woman with logical thinking. I will always try to understand everything fundamentally, and able to convert it into something practical and real so that in whatever situation I am firm in my stance and understand what is happening. When it comes to marriage I must be able to discern between fantasy and reality. This is very important so that I don't get caught up in unreasonable expectations of my partner, or of our marriage and of ourselves.
In reality, there is no (ever) perfect marriage as perfect as the movie stories or legendary fairy tales which always end with "they lived happily ever after", or at least I've never heard of it. We will still live our daily lives, only this time we are willing to share a bed with our partner, we will get involved in small fights because of different habits, we are the ones who usually hang towels neatly after bathing while he just throws them away, we like chatting and like to exchange stories while he will only respond it short, we still have to pay monthly bills, maybe this time we share the responsibility, we have to be willing to take turns enjoying the bass beats from the blue-tooth speaker with music that is different to our tastes, and still many of the normality of daily life will still go on as usual when in marriage.
Do we realize that when we wake up together in the morning we are not "magically" as beautiful and smell good as when we were on a date? The initial passion and romance depicted in fairy tales might evolve over time. Sustaining romance in a long-term marriage requires effort and may not always resemble the intense, idealized love seen in stories. Managing finances together, dealing with budgeting, saving, and possibly financial constraints is a significant aspect of married life that fairy tales often overlook.
Do not forget to list this into the fact of marriage : EMOTIONAL UPS & DOWNS - Marriage is not always a constant high of love and romance. There are ups and downs emotionally, and partners need to navigate these fluctuations together.
Therefore, marriage is for two adults who are able to take conscious decisions and responsibilities, have the same goal in their unity, have the desire to always be together, are able and willing to honestly communicate their feelings and intentions, act faithfully, agree that cheating not a solution whatever the problem, and (this is also very important) that is each of them have done with the past.
Good or bad memories with a previous partner (if any) share them wisely, there is not a single woman in this world who will be comfortable with the presence of another woman even in memories, especially when compared, I think the same goes for men. We want to always be the main person in our partner's hearts & minds. Make sure we are ready to enter a new life with new thoughts and new love. Be wise!
COMMUNICATE | COMMUNICATE | COMMUNICATE
Always connected. Don't take too long to reply to messages, if you can, don't delay. Make sure your partner knows where you are, this is not an instruction but a sign of respect. You don't have to cheat to lose someone. You can lose someone from a lack of communication, attention, and disrespect.
(Well, how many cups of coffee have you finished reading my chatter?) Hehe :D
So now the questions are :
Do we have the same goal for marriage, to always be together, love, support and respect each other?
Are we both aware that the birth of a child in the family is God's gift, or maybe we will not have children?
Are both aware that we will age and getting older?
Will he go through it all and still want to be with me, and will I go through it all and still want to be with him?
In joy and sorrow, in sickness and in health, in good moods and bad moods, when I'm in a good shape and when I'm fat, when I'm grumpy because of PMS, when my belly is flat or heavily pregnant, when I smell good or am sweating. Will I remain treat him lovingly when he is shabby and grumpy, when we're in disagreement, the same question applies to him as to me.
If you answer all those questions consciously, YES WE DO. YES WE ARE, joyfully and not with a brain full of dopamine, then marry him / marry her.
Its about knowledge and preparation, what we decide and have prepared ourselves to live with the consequences and risks that may occur. Remember, that we do our best to prepare ourselves based on what we know, and that there are many things that are beyond our control, so involve God in every plan. I do not rule out love and romantic excitement in relationships, but to survive in a marriage requires more than just love and romantic excitement. Love alone is not enough!
Put the marriage in God's loving protective hands, cause it is part of God's beautiful plan.
I DO, until death do us part!
