LOVE LOGICALLY - no matter how deep your love is!

This is not a new post, anyway! I have this article posted on June 2017 in Bahasa Indonesia, well, I was just too lazy to translate it in English. Since the topic is still a hot issue …. I decided to translate it in English, though!

Here you go ……

Falling in love is the sweetest feeling yet confusing. Its wonderful when we have the love back, hahaha ….. Nowadays, especially in big cities, bitterness because of being rejected can be caused not only because we don't have the same feelings, but ...

-------speaking from the perspective of a woman------ Well, in my position as single working mother, I have the advantage (if I may call so) to (kind of) observe many type of relationship, and unfortunately I hear more bad stories than the good or beautiful ones (ouch!), and somehow it takes me to be more cautious.

Back to the topic!

I have a close friend who works in an international five-star hotel in Jakarta. Her position was one of the directors, an executive committee. I don't know whether I have to give her sympathy or …, She often falls for the “wrong” person.  I remember few years ago she said that she liked someone, and eventually found out that this guy was a gay, and exactly the same thing happened again years later.

"I don't know he’s a gay, he looks really straight" my friend said confidently, when our other friends laughed at her situation. Hmmm, surely she then feels stupid. "You are not stupid, you just don't know" I said, trying to give an understanding and sympathy. We can't choose who to fall in love with. Heart wants what it wants.

A person's charm is usually the first reason we like them. Some years ago maybe "being rejected" only meant between men and women (heterosexual), but nowadays the link is getting more complicated. We can't resist someone's charm, the charm at in any form of it, physical, attitude, behavior, smartness, wittiness, etc.

Meanwhile another friend asked my opinion about her ex who she also suspected was a gay. She confided me of how much she wanted the guy to better admit everything to her. "All my gay friends have confirmed that he is gay, how come I still deny that he’s also one of them, huh?" My friend asked (which is more precisely the rhetorical question to herself). "Why is it so hard for me to believe that he is gay?" (because you're in love, Darling ....) :D 

For those who were born to conservative families, being homosexual (gay or lesbian) is like having a time bomb in themselves. Many have finally admitted to their families that they are same-sex enthusiasts and end up being rejected, some even expelled. For reasons of fear of rejection, expulsion, also that they don't want to disappoint parents, they prefer to keep everything for years. The burden they carry on their own (they might only share it with their closest friends), and it's never been easy.

Being a homosexual according to research is not a physical or mental illness. Nor is it a phenomenon or anomaly. The pros and cons of the decision of some people to accept and live as homosexual will never be ended. This also forces many same-sex lovers to survive by living with their 'normal' identity and seek independence as homosexuals in special moments and places where they are free to be themselves.

In the movie "De Lovely" starring Kevin Kline and Ashley Judd, the story of a gay who decided to get married with normal woman, was told beautifully and sadly. The film is based on the true story of Cole Porter, an American songwriter in the 1950s. Cole marries his best friend, Linda, who actually knows that he is a same sex lover. But Linda tried to accept the situation and undergo their marriage as usual, because Cole also seemed serious enough to want to be her husband. At the end of his life Linda actually assigned a young man to look after Cole after his departure. Although in that era Cole also lived his homosexual life under the radar of the social environment, the situation continued even as long as he married Linda.

The acceptance of Linda can only be done by few people. What Linda felt during her marriage to Cole might not be love in the true sense. The film "De Lovely" depicts Cole and Linda as two people who love each other, beyond the limits of understanding, sexual identity and orientation. Cole is a man with high sexual orientation in same-sex, while marriage makes him later have sexual relations with his wife, Linda.

Coming out, or telling our environment that they have different sexual orientations requires courage and understanding of the risks that follow later. As I said, finally many choose to live a "normal" life and seek freedom to be themselves at certain times among certain people who they trust.

Another friend of mine, he is a gay, and has been open to his parents & friends of his sexual orientation, he also believes that when a normal woman marry a homosexual is like sacrifice herself every day, while the man could also disappointed because he can't actualize himself, disappointed because surely they prefer to be with someone with same sex orientation/homosexual. All of his freedoms were taken away.

But guess what, there are many gays who want to have kids too, in the midst of same-sex relationships they are living. Perhaps this is what makes some of them 'brave' enough to get married, to have kids, not from the adoption. They seek happiness from having children who are truly born from the womb of a woman. 

Everything is indeed a matter of self-actualization. The happiness we are looking for is what we determine. Life for certain people is very complicated, for us it might actually be quite simple. A simple life might mean expressing who we really are because it is the only way to actualize ourselves. But simple life may also mean living life just like other "normal" people out there, which means hiding their true identity, because people aren't prepared for the “uniqueness” they have.

(back to my friend’s question that need an answer)

“There is only few special people who can live a marriage like Linda in that movie, and you’re not one of those special people those who are given a truly kind heart and patience to accept and love sincerely, sacrifice what she dream about living a marriage life. 

You have to realize that the guy is not what you think he is. You have already an image in your mind that (somehow) has sabotaged your logic. So, If you meet someone who feels like you're going to fall for him, find out who he truly is, think logic, and LOVE logically!”

Plus, no one is smart when in love, so forgive yourself, that’s OK!”- and I gave her a hug

(big smile)

DON'T JUDGE ME!

You don't know me. You only know my name. You don't know what I've been through.....

You don't have to agree but it doesn't make me wrong. You never know what you're missing out on. Don't judge my choice if you don't understand my reasons.

I WAS BORN TO BE TRUE, NOT PERFECT!

Catatan tahun baru 2019

There’s always ups and downs in life. Though I may not look like it, but there were very depressing moments in the year that my mind spiraling down, that I never thought I am capable of going that through

Throughout the years, God has taught me, that with the down times, I learn to overcome, appreciate and create the ups in my life.

It is through the walks and keep going, I discover myself, how to persevere, how to look at the beauty around me, how to stop and take a rest to pace myself. In the end, I can make it, I can do it.

Remember the memories, the exact emotion I felt at that point in my life learning and reflecting when I go back to take a look how much I have grown. It will only get better, the sun will rise again.

Thank you for the lessons 2018 and wishing everyone happy 2019

NOVEMBER NOTES

Welcome November!

Most of us are going through the next stage of our lives. We are at the age where we see wrinkles, grey hairs, and extra pounds. Menopause has already shown up or is just waiting around the corner.

We see the pretty 25-year old and sigh... but we were 25 too, just like they will one day be at our age. What they bring to the table with their youth and zest for life, we bring with our WISDOM, EXPERIENCES and GOOD HEARTS. 

For all we've been through earning each grey hair and wrinkles - raising kids, paying bills and ills and whatever else life has thrown at us, we are survivors, we are warriors, we are women.

While our exterior may not be what it once was, it is traded for our SPIRIT, our COURAGE and our STRENGTH to enter this chapter of our lives with grace and pride for all we've been through and accomplished.

Never feel bad about getting older. I'M BLESSED BEYOND WORDS 

WOMEN'S DAY 2018

Hi there ....

Its been a while since my last post, and I think I need to shout out to set my soul free. There has been so much that I really need to write **smile 

This inspiration came when in my workplace we celebrated the International Women's day. It came across to my mind how grateful I am to be created as a woman, and I start to count the blessings .....

Have you ever thought about the blessings of being a woman? Sometimes we just take things for granted without stopping for a while to think about very important things in our lives, that one of such important things is being a woman, and being so .....
  

I Am Emotional: I am free to cry and have insecurities without caring much about how others would see me. I’m better than men expressing my feelings and emotions. I get to indulge my weakness and celebrate my strengths in full glory and appreciation to what God has given me.

I Am Beautiful: All women are beautiful, no exaggeration!. Beauty is not just in our faces. Just try to know yourself and definitely you’ll get to realize where your beauty lies.

I’m More Delicate Yet, The Stronger Gender: Yes, it’s true that women are delicate, soft and tender creatures, but they are much stronger than men. Women work longer hours during their lifetime than men. Women have less leisure time, let alone pregnancy, labor and child rearing.

I Am a Mother: I’ve to admit that being a mother is not an easy job. It's 24/7 duties.

I Can Easily Make Friends: Women are better at social thinking & interactions than men, while men are more abstract and task-orientated.

I Have Female Intuition: Life experiences and scientific researches show that women have an instinctive understanding about life, love, and the dynamics of personal relationships. Women tend to be the core of family interconnectivity and the rock that supports in times of great need or sorrow. women can hear what is not being said and feel what is not being expressed.

Grateful. Celebrate.

Happy women's day!

LOVE LOGICALLY

Jatuh cinta dengan seseorang bisa berujung manis jika perasaan itu bersambut. Tetapi di era sekarang ini, apalagi di kota besar, kepahitan karena ditolak itu bisa disebabkan bukan hanya karena ngga memiliki perasaan suka yang sama, tetapi …

Saya punya seorang teman dekat yang bekerja di sebuah hotel bintang lima international di Jakarta. Usianya sudah dewasa, posisinya cukup tinggi, sebagai seorang executive commitee. Saya ngga tahu musti kasihan atau kasih sedikit masukan dalam urusan hati, tapi dia sering sekali salah jatuh cinta. Saya ingat beberapa tahun lalu dia bilang suka dengan beberapa laki-laki. Usut punya usut, semua laki-laki yang dia sukai itu penyuka sesama jenis.

“Aku ngga tahu mereka gay, mereka kelihatan straight banget,” kata teman saya itu, waktu beberapa teman lain mentertawakan kondisinya. Hmmm, ngga layak juga sih ditertawakan, karena yang pasti dia kemudian merasa bodoh. “Kamu ngga bodoh, kamu cuma ngga tahu aja,”  kata saya mencoba kasih pengertian dan simpati. Itu maksud saya. Kita ngga bisa milih untuk jatuh cinta dengan siapa. The heart wants  what it wants. 

Pesona seseorang biasanya emang jadi alasan pertama kita suka dengan mereka. Beberapa tahun lalu mungkin ‘ditolak' itu hanya berarti antara laki-laki dan perempuan (yang heteroseksual) maka jaman sekarang tautannya semakin rumit.  We can't resist someone's charm. Itu juga yang jadi alasan bagaimana kita bisa menyukai seseorang. Charm atau pesona itu bisa dalam bentuk apa aja, physical, attitude, behavior, sampai isi otak.

Sementara itu teman yang lain minta pendapat  saya tentang  mantannya yang juga dia duga adalah laki-laki homoseksual. Dia curhat betapa dia pengin agar laki-laki itu lebih baik mengakui semuanya. “Semua teman-teman gue yang gay udah confirm kalau dia memang gay, nah kok gue masih deny ya?” tanya teman saya itu (yang lebih tepatnya rhetorical question ke dirinya sendiri). “Kenapa gue susah banget percaya kalau dia gay?”

Bagi mereka yang lahir dari keluarga yang konservatif, menjadi homoseksual  sama seperti memiliki bom waktu dalam diri sendiri. Banyak yang akhirnya mengakui pada keluarganya bahwa mereka adalah penyuka sesama jenis dan berujung penolakan, sampai pengusiran. Dengan alasan takut atas penolakan, pengusiran, sampai ngga mau mengecewakan orang tua maka mereka lebih memilih untuk menyimpan semuanya selama bertahun-tahun. Beban yang hanya mereka rasakan sendiri (mungkin juga mereka bagikan ke teman-teman terdekat), and it's never been easy.

Menjadi gay atau homoseksual menurut penelitian bukanlah penyakit fisik maupun mental. Bukan pula fenomena atau anomali. Pro kontra akan keputusan sebagian orang untuk menerima dan hidup sebagai homoseksual ngga akan pernah selesai. Hal ini pula yang ‘memaksa' banyak kaum penyuka sesama jenis bertahan dengan identitas ‘normal' mereka dan mencari kemerdekaan sebagai homoseksual di momen-momen dan tempat khusus di mana mereka bebas menjadi diri mereka sendiri.

Di film “De Lovely” yang dibintangi oleh Kevin Kline dan Ashley Judd tema laki-laki gay yang memutuskan untuk menikah diceritakan dengan indah sekaligus sedih. Film yang diangkat dari kisah nyata Cole Porter, seorang pencipta lagu Amerika Serikat di era 1950an. Cole menikahi teman baiknya, Linda, yang sebenarnya tahu bahwa ia adalah laki-laki penyuka sesama jenis. Tapi perempuan itu mencoba menerima keadaan itu dan menjalani pernikahan mereka seperti biasa, karena Cole pun terlihat cukup serius ingin menjadi suaminya. Di akhir hayatnya Linda justru menugaskan seorang laki-laki muda untuk menjaga Cole setelah kepergiannya. Meski di era itu Cole juga menjalani kehidupan homoseksualnya di bawah radar lingkungan sosial tapi keadaan itu terus berjalan bahkan selama ia menikah dengan Linda.

Penerimaan yang dilakukan Linda hanya bisa dilakukan oleh sebagian orang. Yang dirasakan oleh Linda selama pernikahannya dengan Cole mungkin bukan cinta dalam arti sebenarnya. Film “De Lovely” menggambarkan pasangan Cole dan Linda sebagai dua orang yang menyayangi satu sama lain, melewati batas pemahaman identitas dan orientasi seksual. Cole adalah laki-laki dengan orientasi seksual yang tinggi pada sesama jenis, sementara pernikahan membuatnya kemudian melakukan hubungan seksual dengan istrinya, Linda.

Coming out, atau memberi tahu lingkungan kita bahwa kita memiliki orientasi seksual yang berbeda membutuhkan keberanian dan pemahaman akan risiko yang menyusul kemudian. Seperti yang saya paparkan sebelumnya, akhirnya banyak yang memilih untuk menjalani hidup ‘normal' dan mencari kebebasan menjadi diri sendiri di saat-saat tertentu saja.

Seorang teman saya, dia homoseksual, dan sudah terbuka dengan lingkungannya tentang orientasinya berpendapat laki-laki homoseksual yang menikah itu setiap hari makan hati. Kecewa karena dia ngga bisa mengaktualisasikan dirinya sendiri. Kecewa karena harus menikah dan berkeluarga (karena, menurut teman saya, kalau bisa mungkin laki-laki homoseksual juga lebih memilih untuk bersama laki-laki homoseksual). Semua kebebasannya dirampas.

But guess what, ngga sedikit kaum homoseksual yang menginginkan anak di tengah-tengah hubungan sesama jenis yang sedang mereka jalani. Barangkali ini yang membuat sebagian dari mereka cukup ‘berani' untuk menikah dengan benar-benar memiliki anak. Bukan dari proses adopsi. Mereka mencari kebahagiaan dari memiliki anak yang benar-benar lahir dari rahim seorang perempuan. Tapi juga menyimpan beban dengan pernikahan yang sebenarnya jauh dari pikiran mereka.

Semuanya memang masalah aktualisasi diri. Kebahagiaan yang kita cari kita yang tentukan. Hidup yang buat orang-orang tertentu sangat rumit, bagi kita mungkin sebenarnya cukup sederhana. Hidup yang sederhana mungkin artinya adalah mengungkapkan siapa diri kita sebenarnya karena hanya itu satu-satunya cara untuk mengaktualisasikan diri. Tapi hidup sederhana mungkin juga berarti menjalani hidup sama seperti orang ‘normal' lainnya di luar sana, yang berarti malah menyembunyikan identitas kita sebenarnya, karena orang-orang ngga siap dengan perbedaan yang kita punya.

Ditolak karena dia ternyata juga menyukai laki-laki. Pahit? Mungkin. Konyol? Mungkin. Kamu ngga akan mendapatkan kepastian sampai kamu sendiri yakin bahwa dia sesuai pikiranmu, atau malah tidak. Want to keep on chasing pavement? Menjadi bimbang sendiri? Jangan sampai.

Tapi jika situasinya adalah sedang berada di sebuah pernikahan yang sedang mengalami kebimbangan, dan merasakan ada yang 'ngga biasa' dengan pasangan, make your move!. Ingin menjadi Linda yang bisa dan mau berusaha untuk menerima kekurangan pasanganmu, dan menjalani pernikahan seperti yang kalian cita-citakan bersama? Menghargai dia karena terlepas dari semua kekurangannya, karena dia adalah laki-laki yang sedang berusaha menjadi kepala keluarga yang baik?

Atau ambil jalan lain. Mengembalikan kesadaran kamu sepenuhnya bahwa sampai kapanpun pikirannya ngga akan sepenuhnya untuk kamu. Hidup dengan ketakutan karena kuatir suatu hari nanti dia akan meninggalkanmu, demi laki-laki lain. Terjebak memang ngga enak, apalagi dalam situasi seperti ini.

If you meet someone and you feel likely that you're going to fall for them? Find out who they are, think logic, and LOVE logically 

CHRISTMAS 2016

Christmas is not about the christmas tree, decorations or Santa Clause. They're only products for commercial in this materialistic world. 

Christmas is all about Jesus. HE was born, sent to the sinful world so that we can be saved. HE was born for you and me. That's the greatest love of all. Christmas is about love declaration of God to human being. Love which enables us to love, respect, care and support others

In HIS steadfast love, HE sent me this beautiful angel, Kiki, as the special gift to accompany me along the journey on this sometimes bumpy road called life. 

May the love, Joy and Peace poured abundantly upon you and your family

From us to you, Merry Christmas!

ANOTHER YEAR TO GRATEFUL FOR

A birthday is always special to me. Its a day to celebrate ME and my entrance into the world. I always make sure to remember peoples' birthdays and to say something or give them a card. I like people to feel special and loved on their birthday. Wishing them some happiness and love today, on their special day.

When I was a child that event's special because I received lot of gifts but after and as an adult because I am around people that care about me and love me

On the top of that, I use it as a day to reflect on all of my many blessings and be grateful that I can celebrate.

My dear friends, I Thank you so much for the kind birthday wishes. You helped making it a very happy birthday. I don’t think of it as being another year older. I think of it as another year of having enjoyed friends like all of you. I deeply appreciate it . Thank you.... much much love!!

Thanks very much for the wonderful feelings you gave me on this special day and made it the most memorable birthday of my life. God bless you!!

Special notes to : Anung : thanks for lending me your vintage Vespa. It brings my memory back to the time when I was in Junior High School. Severin : thanks for the beautiful birthday cake, you know how to make me feel special. Lintang : thanks for taking me around the hotel with Vespa. Roberto : thanks for  making that cute overload pose. You never fails to crack me up 

My best wishes go to you as well!!

I KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT I DON'T DO IT (II)

I was talking about knowing things to do but do not really want to do it in fact. I kind of promise that I will continue to talk about it, and  It’s a bit sad knowing that I posted that on March 3 2016, and I am now just typing to continue my writes

Ups! So long, in fact that’s too long for a write up. Sorry, I was just too busy on the work and (again. Sorry!) I was just too lazy. Aha!!

COMFORT, was one topic that I brought up as a cause why people don’t really do what they already knew they have to do. We are too afraid or too comfortable to leave our comfort zone. Change is good, but frankly speaking, its scary as well, too much worries

The second thing is GOAL. What about it?

I took a Mandarin class couple years back, it was just because in the city like Surabaya with huge Chinese community, ability of speaking Mandarin is a plus in person qualification. Its interesting , while in my daily work, speaking Mandarin is not needed at all, Mandarin proficiency is not much needed in the field I am into. So, long story short, I went through the course in full spirit in the first week, but when dealing with the difficulty of writing Mandarin letters (Chinese Pin Yin), I gave up.

Why? Because I do not have a clear goal of doing this thing. Clear goal or target is an energy we need to fight when dealing with struggles / barrier or obstacles. I could not find the important points of speaking Mandarin incorporated it to my daily work. I can only speak little bit in Mandarin just because of growing up in Chinese family. Well, to some people to sacrifice their time to learn something new is good, but to me in this kind of thing, especially in learning Mandarin, aaah, I just don’t like it. AHA! 

It leads me to the third thing I’m gonna talk about, PREFERENCE

I love to read and sing. Reading and singing are never boring to me, its always bring joy and cheerfulness. Find things you like, and get into it. By having it we can go on and on joyfully. I do not have to think whether or not they will be useful in work or daily life, I just like it, I love it.

We know we have to do things but do not want to do it well. Check those three items : COMFORT, GOAL, PREFERENCE

What about living a healthy life, go on a diet, do exercise? Those are all must do things. Get out of our comfort zone? Aaaah, big NO, fighting a battle of laziness, aaah no no no (Hey, this has already been my constant battle hahaaaa). We don’t want to loose the battle (of course), but how many time we fail, we know how the guilty feeling will ruin us. But the show must go on, life must be lived healthy and well

I make a peace of myself. I accept my self the way I am and forever thankful of this curvy body GOD has entrusted to me. I do what I like to do in align that with a healthy living style. I do walking, I eat what I like but I limit it, I sing and never stop practicing to strengthen my diaphragm muscle. I do it in a pleasant way, and I go on

I KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT I DON'T DO IT

“Why don’t I do what I know I should do?” - Ever asked yourself that question?

Most of the time, we all know what we need to do things in order to attain our goals. That’s not the issue. We know what needs to be done. We just don’t do it. Why is it so hard to do what we must do to succeed, if we really want to succeed?

Perhaps we don’t want it THAT BAD?

That’s probably the case. We may tell ourselves we want to succeed, but if we cannot do whatever it may be to get there, then we don’t really desire it. We are not “hungry” enough. We want it, just not bad enough.

So what causes this?

COMFORT 

My mother always said, “Don’t be TOO comfortable, otherwise, you stop advancing”. It’s true. When we are in a position where we are comfortable & safe, it is extremely hard to get ourselves to move out of this “zone”. After all, it is human nature to seek comfort. Even if we may be looking at even more comfort with the added success, we are just not willing to give some of that current comfort to get there.

I have a friend who was looking into starting her own business. She had a great idea, good plans, and was pretty much ready to go. However, she needed to go at it full time. Therefore, she had to leave her current job, and she didn’t have a problem with that. The problem was, with the lack of money she would find herself with for the next year or so. You see, for her, she couldn’t give up her shopping, her nights out, her fancy suppers, etc. to fund her business. She was not willing to give part of her comfort to ultimately gain more later on. Yes, she wanted to do this business. She understood that in the long run, owning your own business is more beneficial than her current situation. However, she obviously did not want it bad enough. Because if she would have, she wouldn’t have a problem giving up some of her current perks to eventually gain much bigger ones.

Also, the fear of change & being stuck in a routine can destroy our motivation to move ahead. It’s like stepping into the unknown, and yes, we naturally do not like this. However, the quicker we understand that evolving is necessary for success, the easier it will be for us to get ourselves to do what we need to get done. Just know that we can adapt to any new situation. Humans are made to be this way. This is why we can live in very hot or very cold weather for example. We have a tremendous ability to adapt, so keeping that in mind eases the perception of change.

------to be continued-----